Rambling Jen
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Anxiety Stinks...
Now, with just a few months left on my contract, I have that uneasy feeling that my contract won't be extended. Even last year at this point when I was in a shaky situation, I didn't have this feeling of unease. Somehow I knew I would still be with HMH for at least 6 months. It was either divine understanding or sheer stupidity. I am not sure which! So, anyhow, all that to say I am not sure. In fact, I am fairly certain that I won't be with HMH after August 13th. Scary.
And I have begun to plan for that event, should it happen. I have figured out where I will move (so I can rent my house out and not lose it), what type of jobs I can take, where to store my furniture, and where to have a garage sale to get rid of my unnecessaries. All of this "just in case." All of this to tell God--what ever you send me, I will handle. But in the midst of this, I am still scared and nervous. I wouldn't be human if I weren't. (Thanks to my Dad for that reminder!) I am trying to be excited about what God will bring--I know what He has planned is 1 billion times more wonderful than what I am imagining, but it is hard to be excited.
My first year teaching in Vestavia Hills, I found this prayer--I don't know where I got it, but I loved it. I printed it off in a fun font and have had it at my desk ever since. They prayer goes like this:
Heavenly Father,
In my present need, help me to believe that you are aware of my anxiety and will do what is best for me. Give me the strength to trust you and put the present and future in your hands.
Grant this in Christ our Lord....
To personalize it for me, it should look like this:
Heavenly Father,
In my present need of worldly provision, help me to know, trust, credit, and consider that you are mindful, cognizant, responsive to and interested in my anxiety and will do what is greatest, unsurpassed, preeminent and top for me. Provide me the power and might to trust you and put the present and future in your hands.
Grant this in Christ our Lord....
I need to make this my daily prayer--no matter my circumstance.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Why Can't We all Just Get Along?
Love [luhv] (v.):
1. to have love or affection for.
2. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
3. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in.
4. to need or require; benefit greatly from.
There are no problems that are too big to solve with gentle words, a hug, and a pat on the back. When did we outgrow this simple mindset? I've been watching some news and checking my Facebook page lately and I am seeing that acceptance is hard to find any more. (Acceptance--not to be confused with tolerance--you can accept someone while not tolerating their beliefs or actions. It's a tricky balance, but I am fairly certain it can be found.)
I see a lot of hate out there towards conservatives. I've seen, so often lately, "I can't believe republicans/conservatives believe this!" or "What kind of an idiot do you have to be to think that?" Well, I am conservative so when I see those things, it means me. The author of such words may not be thinking of me directly when they compose their thoughts to share with the world, but when I read them, I insert my name into the sentence. And sometimes it hurts. (While I know it is a two way street--that conservatives say some hurtful things towards non-conservatives, I admit my blindness to this. It's hard to see something that doesn't spear my skin and prick my heart.)
If you knew how many responses I have written in my head to respond to the vitriol I see, you would be shocked. (Well, some of you would be!) But I don't write it. I don't respond. I bite my tongue and tell myself that it's water off a ducks back. Then I choose to believe it. The two year old in me, however, wants to say to these authors "Do you realize that I think you are just as big of an idiot for your beliefs that you think I am for mine?" But I don't. Until now.
I wish we could all be more like kids. Not those mean kids who are bullies and hateful, but those beautiful kids who have pure hearts and innocent minds. Those kids. Those kids rarely put themselves down. They choose to believe the best about their world within and the world outside. If they can do it, why can't we? Why can't we believe the best about our own world and the world we live in and those who live in that world? Why do we have to divide ourselves into 2 groups? Why can't we be the loved and the loving instead of the self-righteous and the impure? Or the right and the wrong? Where are the words to heal the hurts that have been inflicted?
Anymore, the power of words needs to be followed by the power of action. Instead of getting frustrated and speaking out words that tear down, why can't we agree to disagree, in love? Why does it matter what your political, religious or social beliefs are? That doesn't change the fact that you are a person of value. You deserve more than being called an idiot, stupid or ignorant. That phrase "Sticks and stones my break my bones but words can never hurt me" is a lie. Words hurt an awful lot.
A gentle word, a hug and a pat on the back... Can you think of a better solution for those word wounds?
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Leftovers
The other day, I was perusing through my Facebook page, as I often do, and a friends status jumped out at me. She had written down John 6:12-13 as her status. I couldn't tell you what the rest of her status said, but the following stood out: "After everyone was full, Jesus told his disciples, 'Now gather the leftovers, so that nothing is wasted.' So they picked up the pieces and filled twelve baskets with scraps left by the people who had eaten from the five barley loaves."
These verses, of course, come from the retelling of the sermon on the mount--one of the most well known stories from Jesus' ministry. As I sat there, letting my mind ponder the amazingness of these verses, I kept thinking how amazing it is--out of so little given, there was so much left over. And that is how it is in my life.
When I look at my life, I stress out so much over the bills (sometimes rightly so!), over having "enough," or running out of something that I forget this one truth: God can make a meager scrap go beyond my wildest imaginings, with leftovers.
Earlier in John 6, the story tells of Jesus asking Phillip where they can get enough bread to provide for the huge crowd that followed them. Jesus already knew of the offering that was being brought forward and the pure heart of the child who was offering it to him. Jesus wanted to see what Phillip's reaction was going to be. And guess what?! Phillip's reaction was exactly what mine would have been--he said (v. 7), "Even if we work for months, we wouldn't have enough money to feed them." Phillip looked at the situation with the perspective of an overwhelmed (and probably harried!) provider. He seems a bit of a pessimist, if you ask me!
Andrew was a little better, though not much! Andrew brings the child to Jesus with the 5 loaves and 2 fish, but says (v. 9), "There's a young boy here with five barley loaves and two fish. But what good is that with this huge crowd?" Andrew brought a solution to his Lord, but didn't have the faith to see beyond the physical limitations. If Phillip is a defeatist, then Andrew is more of a realist.
I look at the reaction of Phillip and Andrew and can't help but wonder of their reactions are our most common reactions we have when we come across a seemingly insurmountable problem. Do we react with defeat and wonder how God can turn what I am holding into enough, like Phillip? Or, do we look at the world through the eyes of Andrew and see the physical limitations of what we have to offer?
Jesus, knowing how both Phillip and Andrew would react, took the small offering and gave thanks with a humble heart. John doesn't go into the prayer Jesus prayed, but I am fairly certain it was heart felt and genuine. After he gave thanks, Jesus instructed the disciples to pass out the food to the people on the hill. Can you imagine the looks of shock on the disciples faces as they got to the end of the rows, expecting an empty basket, but finding a basket that was full, none the less? Priceless, I am sure.
Then, when Jesus asked the disciples to go and gather what was left over, they found that there was more left over than there was to begin with. I bet there were a lot of minds blown that day.
In my life, when I look at what I have been blessed with--my meager 5 loaves and 2 fish, how do I react? Do I worry and stress out over the limitations of what I have been given? Do I show God what I have but not trust in His ability to make it enough? Or do I humbly pray, offering my genuine thanks for the blessings I am holding, and ask God to make it enough?
I don't need to worry about how to make my dollar go a bit further, or how to make my time last long. By praying with thankfulness and through faith, instead of struggling to be self-sufficient, God can make a meager scrap go beyond my wildest imaginings, with leftovers. Thankfully. Blessedly. Assuredly.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Stuff Christian (Girls) Like
OK, so SCL had a guest post by John Crist about Stuff Christian (Guys) Like. I would like to offer my rebuttal:
*(Please note this is all tongue-in-cheek!)
Stuff Christian (Girls) Like:
Let’s face it—adages are often repeated because there is always some grain of truth in them.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder—yep! We’ve all seen the guy/girl who’s married WAY up. All that glitters is not gold—yep! We’ve all had our dream date only to find that a pretty smile and blank stares can only keep you interested for SO long. And girls always like the bad boys—yep. We all know the girl who thought she could “turn” him back to God. Many of us WERE the girl who thought we could “turn” him back to God.
Good girls, well, we like the bad boy, but we Christian girls LOVE the reformed bad boy. But how can you tell if he’s a bad boy or (to quote one of the biggest put downs from high school) a poser?
So here is MY Reformed Bad Boy Score Card:
Drives a motorcycle: +5 points
Drives an SUV/Truck: +0 points
Drives a sedan: -2 points
Drives a Prius: -5 points
Has at least one item made of leather in their wardrobe: +3 points
Has at least one pair of pleated khaki’s: -3 points
5 O’clock shadow because he just rolled out of bed: +2 points
5 O’clock shadow that has been groomed: -2 points
Plays the guitar: +3 points
Plays World of Warcraft: -3 points
Spent some time in rehab (substance or alcohol) AND kicked the habit: +2 points
Spent some time in rehab (physical therapy): +0 points
(EXCEPTION: If physical rehab was a direct result of motorcycle accident: +5 points)
Has a few years of Jr. College under his belt: +1 point per year
Has NO higher education under his belt: +3 points (Flat rate)
Has at least one story about a scar that begins with “I was riding on my bike when…” and he’s referring to his motor cycle: +2 points
Has at least one story about a scar that begins with “I was riding on my bike when…” and he’s referring to his Huffy: -1 point
(EXCEPTION: Mountain biking: +1 point)
Doesn’t need product to make his hair look tousled: +2 points
Needs product to make his hair lay down: -2 points
Spends 30 minutes using product to make his hair look tousled: -5 points
Doesn’t believe in social media: +7 points
(EXCEPTION: Has a Facebook account ONLY to keep up with his friends from his multiple backpacking/missions trips around the world: +2 points)
Has a Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest account: -3 points PER ACCOUNT. Double for Pinterest.
Facebook profile pic is the generic blue man: +4 points
Facebook profile pic is of his dog: +0 points
Facebook profile pic is of him with ANYONE else: -4 points
(EXCEPTION: Profile pic is of him and his mom: +1 point)
So there he is—the golden (reformed) bad boy of the sanctuary. What is on your “Reformed Bad Boy Score Card?”
Friday, November 25, 2011
Pitiful Chooser:
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
*Public Domain
If I have one strong childhood church memory it would be singing "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" in Korean church. I don't know why it is such a strong pull but every time I hear it I am transported back to Hai Yun Dai Baptist Church and the cold, hard, brown, wooden pews. It is such a vivid memory that I can't help be feel like I am 7 again. I can hear the piano and organ in the background as the congregation shuffled to their feet to sing. It was such a staple to me--I often *think* I remember it being sung every Sunday in Korean church. I am sure it was not…
It was not until adulthood that this song began to mean something more than a fond memory to me--until I truly experienced the proneness to wander and the unfailing redeeming love of God. My favorite verse of the song is the 3rd verse, quoted above. I love this verse because I think it exemplifies the struggle man faces when it comes to a relationship with God. (Side note--it is the only verse that has remained unchanged from the original over the last 250+ years.)
Robert Robinson penned Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing at the ripe old age of 22. Yep--he wrote one of the most profound hymns at the age of 22. When I was 22, the only thing I wrote was my name at the bottom of the credit card receipt. At the age of 22, Robinson had more understanding of God than most people do at 72. He understood several things about God and Man. Things I have struggled my entire life to know. He knew that:
1) We as humans are pitiful: In the original version of the song he says, "Sorrowing I shall be in spirit, Till released from flesh and sin." He understood that as humans our very nature was in direct opposition to God and that causes our sorrow--that natural inclination to sin. When will our souls find true peace? When we are released from flesh and sin. We can be released from sin before being released from our flesh, but none of us can maintain that purity because of our flesh. "Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love."
2) We as humans have the free will to choose: There are so many references in this hymn to our freedom to choose--though many of those references refer to asking God to take that choice away--"Jesus sought me when a stranger, Wandering from the fold of God," "Let thy goodness, like a fetter, Bind my wandering heart to thee," and "Here's my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above." When I hear these phrases I think of one theme--God, I love you and I don't want to mess it up, so take me, take my will, take my heart. I give it to you freely and know that in your hands, all is well. The only problem with that is when I change my mind. Which I do often. Because I am pitiful. Like the song says, I am prone to wander. And God lets me, because He is God. He doesn't want me, my will and my heart if it's not an offering. Though I may wish to be leg shackled to God, God doesn't roll that way.
3) And even though we are pitiful choosers, God's grace is enough: "Streams of mercy, never ceasing, Call for songs of loudest praise," "He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood," and "Here I raise my Ebenezer; Here by thy great help I've come; And I hope, by thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home." The words don't say, "Streams of mercy, dribbling past me," or "He sometimes rescues me from danger…" No! God's grace and mercy are in abundance and are always available. His grace, to quote a current praise song, is enough. His grace will always provide. In Hebrew, Ebenezer literally means, "stone of help" and is often biblically translated to mean "God has led us thus far." If God has led us thus far, then is He going to stop now? He hasn't stopped leading me thus far and let's face it, I have tried His patience! God is our stone of help, our Ebenezer. Raise your Ebenezer--your monument to God's grace that has brought you this far.
You see that is the ultimate struggle man faces when it comes to our relationship with God. We do not accept that His grace truly is more than enough--and though our hearts desire to be one with God, it is our inability to accept His grace that causes us to wander. That feeling of unworthiness is what really moves us away from God. This undeserving feeling takes on many forms--pride, desire for acceptance by the world, temptation... We are constantly seeking quick fixes for the God-chasm in our lives. We don't feel worthy of His unconditional love and acceptance so we look outside of Him to find it. And when the world fails us, it only reinforces our feeling of unworthiness. It's a catch-22. The only way to break it? To accept that we are not worthy but that "He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood."
Oh Robert Robinson--I doubt when you wrote Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing you ever imagined that I would need those stalwart words today to remind me that God is enough--even when I am a pitiful chooser. (Which sort of rhymes with pitiful loser… Same, same, right?)
PS The link is to a version of the song by Mumford and Sons... Excellent version!